Spell Bound
11 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Jesus
He was standing there in the back yard speaking blaspheming words to God. His movements were quite strange to me: bending hips, shoulders back, cracking of neck, hands in the air while fingers separated, eyes fixed; yet not showing any emotion. I stood there perplexed while watching and listening to him. I felt a breeze move about me, my hair blew to the left of me and then my ears went silent. I could feel the wind rush up my spine and wrap itself about me. Warmth crept inside of me and my cheeks began to blush. I could see his lips move, but could not hear his words. There was no sound at all.
After realizing the weakening effect this had on me I excused myself to go inside my home. Quickly I turned the water on over the sink, ran my hands under the water and began to splash my face. I stood there numb for a few minutes and then asked God: Lord Jesus what just happened? I stood in my kitchen trying to understand why my mind was reeling; yet found myself in a giggle.
June of 2010 I had a heart attack. Instead of going to the hospital, or lying down I got angry. I headed toward the upstairs bedroom and while running up the stairs I stopped for a moment, laid my hand on my chest and began to pray to Jesus to help me. I continued up the stairs to find my blood pressure device and went back downstairs to the kitchen. My sister tried to convince me to head to the hospital, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to be saved. I was only certain of one thing: if God allows me to live tonight then I shall live, but if I die then I wasn’t losing anything.
A series of tests proved I was a Healthy individual at the age of 55. Each hospital treated me with loving care, but the Doctors were not convinced that Stress played the key role in the Heart Attack. Another series of tests proved again I was a Healthy Individual. During these months I had decided to do myself a favor: begin a new approach to Healthy eating, Healthy exercise, and Healthy habits. Less 68 pounds later I have found myself to be: less tolerant, irritated, frustrated, insecure, unmotivated, unmoved, and an emotional wreck. My insecurity stemmed from being wounded in Heart: degraded, humiliated, stripped of self worth, and feeling as if all doors shut, and I was pressed on every side. I felt as if I was boxing my way out of a box. No more listening to a multitude of Advice, telling me what I needed to do, or should not do. Stop listening to people who only want to Teach, and not listen. Go against those who want to protect you at all cost, because without Risks, and without Chance what is the use of living? My Heart felt Dead and I wanted so badly to Live. And then that voice crept up inside of me: “For What”? Live for What? Not long ago you were saying: ” if God allows me to live tonight then I shall live, but if I die then I wasn’t losing anything”.
The back and forth Battle began… Live for What? What do I have to Live for? Why on earth or in heaven would God want me to live if my Heart is Dying. My heart wasn’t dying literally, but it felt Dead… dead to the Word, dead to hearing what others were saying, dead to the Preacher Man, dead to the Christian Cliches, and dead to the prayers going up. What is your calling? Hell if I know what my calling is! Never been told what my calling is, so why should I say I have a calling. What is your mission? What is your purpose? Why aren’t you: getting in, getting on board, and making it to the finish? Learn to love yourself first, then maybe you will learn to love others. Do this, don’t do that, you may be saying this, but what you really mean is… ?
What I really mean is what I am saying: when all doors close, and none are there to open for one to step forward, step out, and believe then Life becomes Dead… no vision, no dream, nothing to look forward to except to be taken out of this World and being with the Lord. If all hopes for anything Good to come to us while on this earth is Stopped, and all of our Dreams and Desires for anything Good to come to us while on this earth have stopped… then the only Hope that could ever remain would be the Hope that in Death I would see GOOD. For only God is Good.
I have become a different person over the last year and a half: Bolder, Confrontational, and Unyielding. As I read the writing on the Picture of Footprints in the Sand I purchased at the Five and Dime I stop for a moment and say:
Lord, I can only Hope and Believe that at this time it is true what I am reading :
“My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”
To the Devil… that Serpent called Satan.
You have found a way to wound me, for my Heart was Wide open.
You found a way to strip me of my dignity.
You found a way to tear me down, and you sought to use me on your unfair ground
yet haven’t you known by now
I don’t belong to you?
Strike your blows with arrows, and toss all your darts
yea, makes for a bleeding Heart
Yet,
God speaks to me saying:
Bolder I must be raised
to set my face like Flint these days,
Unyielding to the ways which would take me off the Narrow.
